Say Yes to the Dress meets Jersey Shore

Ever since I blogged about Things I Can't Blog About, I've spent a lot of time not blogging. This comes as no surprise.

I have also spent a lot of time moving across town, getting my car started by AAA, shopping for a wedding dress, and boxing. Yes, boxing -- no, not in the ring, but yes, with gloves on, and yes, with muscular men. And obviously I wear sleeveless tees. Oh -- and, no, the wedding dress was not for me. But I did get to watch several brides-to-be find the dresses of their dreams.

I know you've all seen MTV's hit, Jersey Shore. Don't be ashamed -- it's almost obligatory to have seen an episode at this point, to be able to partake in any sort of conversation that involves pop culture. And we all know how important those conversations are at dinner parties. I submit that one who does not enjoy making fun of Snooki will never enjoy life. Don't you want to enjoy life?

Probably significantly fewer of you have seen TLC's Say Yes to the Dress, which follows brides-to-be through a day of shopping at Kleinfeld, Manhattan's gown kingdom. Kleinfeld houses the largest selection of wedding dresses in the world, and an afternoon of shopping there is an experience in itself. I tagged along with a college friend, Sam, on her trip to Kleinfeld last weekend, and got to leave the real world, rife with disarray, disappointment, and JWows, behind -- to enter an all-white, no-blemishes-allowed dream, where happily ever after was the next step for all. A bride goes there to find a gown that she can admire for a lifetime. A mother goes and weeps as her daughter finds a dress that mimics her beauty and innocence.

We -- the bride-to-be, her mother, aunt, and bridal party of four -- went out to brunch beforehand and enjoyed a few mimosas, while chatting excitedly about dress and wedding details and ideas. We arrived at Kleinfeld and admired the classical decor and chandeliers as we waited for Keisha, Sam's bridal consultant, to usher us onto the floor. Once there, we took a seat on one of the plush sofas, admiring the racks of beautiful gowns with their lace and tulle and satin, and whatever other materials wedding dresses are made of.

My daze was abruptly interrupted when the bride at the platform next to Sam's came out of her dressing room in a "gown" with a see-through, lace corset top, and long, tulle skirt. Lace? Normal. Tulle skirt? Normal. See-through? Normal ... for lingerie. As this bride took her place in front of the mirror and adjusted her boobs, her party ooh-ed and awe-d and exclaimed, "How traditional!"

This begged the question, to what sort of tradition were these women referring? Surely not the abovementioned version of tradition that the other brides at Kleinfeld seemed to seek. Could this party have been referring to some sort of tradition exclusive to those on the Jersey Shore? My heart pounded, eyes aglow, as I realized the value of my seat as audience to this bridal party's podium. This bride could only be from the real-life Jersey Shore and she was clearly sent to Kleinfeld to entertain me.

I watched as her bridal consultant approached her, and tugged on the long tulle skirt, which fell off to reveal a barely-there mini skirt. Reception-ready!* I could only imagine what the mini-skirt would tear away to reveal. Bedroom-ready! Three-in-one combo! The best wedding dress is obviously one that can double as a tool of seduction in the honeymoon suite. Right, mom? Dad? Dad??

I thank you, Jersey Shore, for another 30 minutes of irreplaceable, unpredictable, can't-make-it-up, entertainment.

________________________________
* Lower-right image